Vanilmirth is ugly
by niyuku
Summary: One shot. Alchemist summons homunculus. Acolyte can't handle it's ugliness.


_Dedicated to Sparky, my dead Vanilmirth. Whom I did intentionally kill._

* * *

The alchemist was restless. He had been sitting in the middle of Alberta doing absolutely nothing for about an hour now. His girlfriend, an unexperienced, naive, and perpetually annoying acolyte, sat by his side.

"Oh, I'm so happy." she sighed contently, repeating what she just said a few seconds ago. "Just sitting here with you makes me feel so.."

The alchemist cringed and his hands flew up to his ears to block the irritatingly sweet sound that was coming from his girlfriend. "Make it stop." he pleaded under his breath.

Surpisingly, the sound did cease. Cautiously, he removed his hands and placed them back on his lap. He realized his girlfriend had disappeared, but he could still feel her presence. Where was she?

"What's this?!" the acolyte called excitedly, holding something in her hands, appearing from behind him. She had been scrounging through his cart. It was a round, jelly substance that somehow maintained it's shape and form.

"Hey! Don't touch that! It's my embryo! I had to spend about 150k on that!" the alchemist snatched it away quickly.

The acolyte's expression changed from a happy puppy to a broken doll. Her face tilted downward with hurt. "But why do you have it if I can't play with it?"

"You can't play with everything," the alchemist snapped. "Especially not my embryo."

"Okay then, whatsit for?"

"It's for summoning my homunculi."

"Oh."

The two of them paused thoughfully.

"Then summon."

"What?"

"Then summon the homunculi."

"I'm not ready."

"Why?"

"I.." he thought for a second. Why wasn't he summoning it already? Raising and owning a homunculi would be fun. It'd be like having a dog. A dog that attacked porings and lunatics and gave you the experience. A dog with special abilities.

The alchemist stood up, not bothering to brush the dust from his pants. "OKAY," he announced, inspired. "I SHALL SUMMON MY HOMUNCULI!"

"Yay!" The acolyte clapped. "Go! Go! Yay!" she started spamming bless on him. Tiny pink angels drifted across the alchemist's head. He didn't look up at them, in fear he would get dizzy and vomit.

"OKAY. Call Homunculus !!" he shriked with enthusiasm, holding the embryo up toward the sky.

The embryo evaporated in the air, leaving the alchemist standing awkwardly holding air.

"Call Homunculus..?" he repeated sheepishly, his smile still frozen on his face.

_Skill has failed. You require 1 embryo._

"Oh my god." the alchemist couldn't breathe properly. He broke into panic, shivering and shrieking at the top of his lungs. At first his words were comprehendable, things like 150K and FUCK THE WORLD were heard, but soon it was so hysterical, all that could be understood was SDGWRTERTJKRWETERERTAHHhh.

The alchemist paused only to inhale. He decided to take an extra big breath this time so he could scream extra loud, but even though he was stopped, screaming could still be heard.

He spun around and found his girlfriend, shrieking just as loudly as him. What the hell was she so pissed off about?

"What now?!" he demanded. "WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU NOW?!"

"HELP!" she wailed. "HELP!"

He rolled his eyes. "What, you broke a nail, and now you're going to—" he stopped.

He saw it. A flaxen coloured, inscrutable, sticky substance stuck to his girlfriend's leg. His eyes bulged wide, for he had never seen anything like it before. "Oooh, what's this?" he leaned in toward it curiously, forgetting about the embryo for the moment.

"HELP!" she squealed again. Such a high pitched scream for a high pitched voice. It pierced through the alchemist's ears.

"Be quiet, you. Just letme inspect it.." he was afraid to touch it and get his hands filthy, so he sniffed it instead. It smelled an awful lot like gasoline. "Eww, what is this?"

"I don't know, just get it off!" the acolyte cried loud, shuddering sobs.

The alchemist sighed. He would have to dirty his hands afterall. Experiementally, he poked it.

Suddenly, it came to life, snapping it's paper thin jaws at the alchemist in a hostile manner. He jumped back. "Woah!"

The thing made a strange gurggling sound, and slid off the acolyte's leg. The alchemist gasped, horrified as it jumped onto his cape, crawled up his neck, and onto his head. Then it moved foward toward his face. It stayed there.

"Get it off me!" the alchemist's futile attempt to speak was heard to the human ears as a strange, gulping noise.

"Oh no! What do we do?!" the acolyte paced back and forth nervously. "What do we do?!"

"Mmpht!" the alchemist tugged and tugged at the thing, but it would not budge. It stayed on his face. He could not breathe. He opened his mouth desperately gulping for air, but instead, accidently got part of the thing in his mouth. He tried to scream as the disgusting, bitter tasting stuff flowed inside of him. With a sickening, sucking noise, the thing pushed itself off his face and landed with a plop on the cement floor.

He wiped his mouth, furiated. He was ready to destroy the thing, when suddenly he noticed two, thin sticks coming out from the top. At the end of the sticks were two, small, round balls which he discovered instantly were eyes.

"Oh my god."

"What?" the acolyte rubbed her shin as if she had been injured.

"..that thing.. is my.. IT'S MY HOMUNCULUS!"

"Ooh," the acolyte didn't really seem that amazed. She continued rubbing her leg. "It sure is ugly.."

"But, but.. it's my.. it's my.." Finally, finally! He had a partner, a partner that would support him in battle, offer him comfort in distress, keep him company and go with him everywhere he went..

It jumped back onto the alchemist's cape, sliding upward toward his head again. "Not the face!" he gasped, shielding with his arms. The thing stayed on his head and began tugging at his hair.

"Ow! What the.."

"It's eating your hair. I think it's hungry."

"Oh, well.." The alchemist pulled fiercely at the Vanilmirth, it came off his head painfully with a ripping sound. It didn't bother him much, now that he had his homunculus. He set it down on the floor. Then he reached into his tote bag which held his inventory. He searched for some sort of food. Ah! A carrot from the lunatic he abused earlier! Perfect.

"Oh, Vannie!" he sang. Ooh, Vannie. A good name, he thought. "Want a carrot?" he dangled it above Vannie's head.

The thing's eyes narrowed into what looked like a bitchy glare. The alchemist flinched in surprise from the the intesity of it's expression.

It growled, turned away, and slid over to the acolyte. It observed her for a minute, then turned again and came upon her mace. It tried to consume it.

"OH MY GOD! NOT MY KEEN MORNING STAR!" the acolyte picked up the Vanilmirth. Unwillingly, it came apart from the cement floor. She threw it up in front of her and kicked it before it could land on the floor.

The alchemist was speechless. He watched helplessly as Vannie disappeared into the sky, then reappeared and exploded into a disgusting, yellow mess on a building.

He opened his mouth to say something, but he was at a loss for words. Afterall, his stupid, annoying girlfriend had just drop kicked his homunculus, which he spent 150k on. Whatever should he say?

The acolyte smiled plesantly at him. "Vanilmirths are ugly, don't you think?"


End file.
